#i'm stuck at work rn and i'm sooo tired.....

[flowerakatsuka]

they should be in da cluuuuuubbbb

[uitzinnigmp3]

,

[haveateadude]

bleak horizons iii.

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ opening up it's not easy, isn't it?

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ depression, self-harm mention, and disordered eating (not explicitly mentioned but you can clearly see it's there)

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ helloooo welcome to part 3!!!!!! i think this might be the last part (if u have an idea on how this can continue feel free to tell me. u can send a request or just leave the idea in the comments). also just saying, this stuff is based on MY issues and experiences with mental health, so this might not be truthful to everyone. my insta is @/starsfinder_ if anyone wants to vent or just talk :))

remember you're not alone if you're going through a shitty moment, trust me!! ik everyone says to ask for help, and even if that's soo fucking true i know some people are not listened (even if that's literally a fucking RIGHT). so, as i said, you can dm me <33 take care of yourselves pleaseee. can't stress enough how much i want y'all to know you're not alone. hi. hello. i care!!!!!!!! and i'm here!!!!!! so please listen to me when i say everything's going to be alright :)) i love youuuuuu

also, sorry for any mistakes. i'm sooo tired rn lmao

pt1 — pt2 — pt3

I told you a lie, désolé, mon amour

I'm trying my best, don't know what's in store

The next week, I stepped out of therapy crying. I got into the car, slamming the door.

“Hey,” Ellie says softly, looking at me with her hands resting on the wheel, her gaze full of worry. “You okay?”

“Drive.”

“But—”

“Just drive.”

“Okay.”

Ellie starts driving. I wipe my tears, feeling overwhelmed. My mother had called yesterday and made me feel like shit. I wasn't doing my best at school. Ellie and I hadn't gone out since Christmas. So basically, everything was shit. I've also had urges to relapse, and they're just not going away.

I cry. Ellie drives. This is okay. It's okay. Except that it's not, and I haven't told my therapist anything about myself yet. My mother hasn't spoken to me in weeks, and my father sent a cat video on WhatsApp this morning. And Ellie’s knuckles are turning white from how hard she’s gripping the wheel, which makes my heart ache because I know she cares. It makes me want to tell her everything, but the words are stuck in my throat, and I can't seem to get them out.

We arrive at the apartment a couple of minutes later. Ellie doesn’t immediately open the doors, and I've calmed down enough to answer when she asks, “Baby? Are you feeling okay?”

I nod, looking away. The people that I see walking around look sad.

“I’m fine.”

“It’s okay if you’re not, though,” she says. I stay quiet, doubting it. Ellie nudges me with her elbow, looking for an answer. “Hey.”

“Yeah,” I say. “I know.”

Ellie pats me on the thigh before getting out of the car. I get out, too. I don't bother eating dinner that night; I just go straight to bed and fall asleep.

The next few days felt monotonous. I've fallen back into my sadness, the type that isn't bitter but sweet. It doesn't make me want to relapse. It makes me want to stay in bed more hours than I'd like, takes my appetite away, and leaves me feeling nothing but numbness.

I wake up, go to work, study, attend uni, come home, and sleep. The cycle repeats and repeats, and I'm so, so very tired.

Today, I took the day off. I knew I was too tired to do anything, so I planned to rot in bed. Ellie knocks on the door, but I don't answer. I hear the door creak open and the light from the living room creeping in.

"Hey," Ellie says, her voice coming from behind me. "Mind if I lay next to you?"

"It's fine," I say with a hoarse voice. I feel the bed sink at my side, and then Ellie is behind me, wrapping her arm around my torso and nuzzling her face into my neck, leaving a kiss right there. I feel cozy and comfortable. I don't know if this will last. I hope it does because it's a feeling I've never experienced before—someone comforting me? That has never happened.

"Do you want to talk about what's going on?" she asks. I stay quiet. "I care about you. I'm worried."

I do want to talk about it, but at the same time, I don't.

"I'm fine."

"You always say that… You haven't gotten out of bed since you came from work, and the frozen lasagna you were going to make for yourself last weekend has been in the fridge since then." She stays quiet for a second, her fingertips caressing my arm. "You're not doing fine, baby."

Millions of thoughts go through my head. Thoughts I don't say. I don't want her to leave; I don't want her to see how I feel.

"I'm trying, though." It's easy to say since Ellie isn't looking at my face directly. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I blink them away; I blink, blink, and blink again. Fast.

Ellie stays quiet, her breath tickling my neck. She kisses the back of my head again, her hand holding mine. I hold it to my chest. "I know. But you don't have to be alone in this."

That hits me like a truck. I wasn't expecting to be held by her, let alone her saying I don't have to be alone. A tear falls from my eye, landing on the pillow. I sniff, and Ellie holds me tighter, not saying anything. She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear with her free hand and kisses my temple.

"I'm sorry," I say, in a moment of pathetic weakness. She hugs me even closer.

"Hey, no. Don't apologize. C'mon, turn around."

I let go of her hand, turning around. Her left hand cups my face and she kisses my cheek, then my forehead, and then she kisses the tears that fall on my cheeks. When she pulls away, she gives me a small smile, "You're going to be okay."

She doesn't want you. She's your friend; she doesn't want you. She will fall in love with you, not your brain nor your scars, and when she finds out about the way you think, she'll leave.

I wake up on Ellie's chest, it feels good to be comforted, I've found. Her phone is on the nightstand, so I just reach it and look at the time. It's eight o'clock. I've fallen asleep for two hours. I try to make myself more comfortable on her chest, attempting not to wake her, but my movements fail and she stirs.

"Hey," she says, her voice still laced with sleep. "What time is it?"

"It's still night," I say, closing my eyes. "We slept for two hours.'

"Feeling better?" I feel comfortable enough to shake my head. "Do you want to talk about it? I told you, I'm worried. And don't bullshit me with the whole 'I'm fine' shit, yeah?"

I stay quiet as her thumb caresses my back, "Did I tell you why I'm going to therapy?" Ellie shakes her head. "Well—back home I had some… issues. Mental health stuff related. I kept going back to depressive episodes. And one day I just asked for help from my mom, because I—I just couldn't stop self harming."

"Baby," Ellie says, hugging me tighter and kissing the top of my head. "What happened? Did your mother react well?"

"Yeah. Surprisingly. I got help. Got better. Sometimes it comes back, and I still get urges sometimes, but I can control it. It isn't as bad as it was before. But lately, it's just—yeah."

"You don't do that anymore, do you?" She asks, worried.

"No," I shake my head. "Not anymore."

"And what about the urges, do you still get them?" I nod, slowly. Ellie plays with my hair. "And therapy? Is it helping?"

"I haven't told her anything, yet. I—I don't know, I can't talk about it."

"What if I go to the next session? If you're okay with that, of course. If you still don't feel comfortable we can look for another therapist or another way to get you help."

I hide my face in her chest when she says the last word. I don't know why I've been refusing to get help. I don't know why I don't like that word. I sigh as Ellie stops playing with my hair and begins rubbing my back.

"I think—I think I would like it if you go with me."

"Okay. Okay, then. I'll go." The room falls to silence again for a few seconds. I feel ashamed for telling her. "I'm sorry you have to go through this… I wish I could do more."

"You're doing more than enough," I assure her. It's my time to hug her tighter. "You’re the first person I’ve talked to about this."

"Yeah?" She seems surprised. "I'm glad you talked to me. I'm here for you if you need anything—I mean it. You just have to tell me, I will listen… You could've told me sooner."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't apologize. I’m just saying, I'm here for you. I've been there for you, always. And… is there something I can do to help?"

"Just be there," I say. "That's enough."

"Mhm, I'll stay."

I think she wants you, a little voice in my head says. I think she loves you, and I don't think she'll ever leave.

Maybe I'll be okay, after all.

[insomtiny]

this is me sending you all the emojis (or all the ones you want to do) for the atz ask game

i guess u could also pick like 5 random ones and go for it lol

ok it's happening

💗- who is your bias in ateez? - seonghwa! 🤗 💖- who was your very first bias? - seonghwa lol, i was in between a few at the beginning but it ended up being him and it stuck ⭐️- why is your bias your bias? - i could go on and on about how gorgeous and talented he is, but to be serious the main reason is cause he's a huge dork 💝- how long have you been a ateez stan? - late 2019! so like a little over 3 years ✨- why did you become a ateez stan? - i watched their halloween performance of wonderland and was hooked, i couldn't stop rewatching it, eventually i went on to listen to all of their other songs and haven't escaped since lol 💭- what was your favorite era? - treasure epilogue/answer era cause not only is answer still an absolute masterpiece, it will always have a special place in my heart for being my first comeback <3, also horizon and precious are still sooo good, and their styling was so pretty 🎤- rapper line or vocal line? - vocal line! 👊🏽- hyung-line or maknae-line? - hyung line! 🤙🏽- ateez or memeteez? - memeteez cause why are they so fucking funny for 🎶- what’s your favorite title track ateez song? - thanxx! 🎵- favorite non-title track song? - literally impossible to choose just one but take me home is my homie rn 🗣- share an unpopular opinion about anything related to ateez - before i say anything just know i love jongho and i think he's one of the best if not THE best 4th gen vocalist out there, but for the love of GOD people need to stop hyping him when he strains, it's not good for his vocal chords and it really doesn't sound great, he sounds perfect in his regular range 💀- share your favorite meme - i have a LOT but here's some

🎥- favorite ateez mv? - probably eternal sunshine or wave i just think they're so fun and happy 🏆- share your favorite ateez moment - so hard to choose because they are NEVER boring to watch, but i think it was during fever road when a mysterious masked figure came in and blindfolded and kidnapped wooyoung and they all NO HESITATION went "7 makes 1 team" 😭😭😭 and then jongho was like "wait i wanna save him" and they were like "ok then 6 makes 1 team" 😭😭😭 👨‍❤️‍👨- who do you ship in ateez? - ship???

👬- favorite brotps? - woosan and yunhwa are my 2 fave duos they are so goofy ❌- any notps? - any of them x sadness or pain or unhappiness :( 👀- name one member who isn’t your bias but… - SAN. when i tell you i came out of that concert with a whole crush on him 😫- have you ever seen ateez live? - saw them january 2022! literally life changing... 🌚-if ateez was on a deserted island, who would be the first to go and why? - wooyoung, they'd probably end up murdering him, that's if he didn't get himself killed first 💫- if you could tell one member one thing, what would it be? - i would tell seonghwa that he's the specialest boy in the whole world and that i'm proud of him 📢- say one thing you’ve been wanting to say about ateez but haven’t - they're genuinely the only kpop group i've never gotten bored with, even my other super faves have had lulls but they always entertain me in one way or another, i'd say the only other other exception is dreamcatcher 🚫- a fandom “joke” you think is overused and disagree with - ngl a lot of them get overused but like if everyone's having fun i don't really care, the only one i can think of that i'm completely over is "i cannot english" cause it's tired and just kinda... not cool... especially since mingi's obviously worked really hard to improve his english since then ❓- did you watch kq fellaz content predebut? - nope 😂- favorite variety show ateez has done? - the boatta dance bingo video is one of my favorites, them hyping each other up and trying to remember the different choreographies, and then the penalty of taking turns carrying jongho around was all just so cute 🤷🏽‍♀️- Treasure or Pirate King? - pirate king! 🤷🏽‍♂️- Say My Name or Hala Hala? - hmm, hala hala! 🙋🏽‍♂️- Desire or Promise? - promise! 🙋🏽- Stay or Twilight? - ooh... let's go with stay! 🕺🏽- fave dance mv? - wonderland, them dancing so hard the lighting goes weird still kills me lmao 💃🏽- favorite choreography? - hala hala probably, i'll never not love how absolutely manic it is 👽- favorite mv concept? - if we're talking regular mvs i'd say deja vu, but really it's black cat nero, i'd rlly love if they brought that aesthetic to one of their comebacks ♋️- do you share a sign with anyone in ateez? - no those bitches don't even have any earth signs AT ALL 😭 👫- a quality you and your bias share? - liking stuff to be clean and not liking bitter things 🤝- are you the same age as anyone in ateez? - i was born in 2000 but me and wooyoung are closest in age technically cause we're only like a little over a month apart i think

if you read all of this here's a kiss 💋

[electricpurrs]

Tag meme!!

tagged by @porygonprince ! Thank u for tagging me <3

Ok so, answer 17 questions, then tag 17 people (I won't sorry)

Nickname: Dawn! It's not my birth name but I like being called by that!

Zodiac sign: virgo. I don't believe in that kind of stuff tho

Height: I'm 5'3

Hogwarts house: honestly I do not care hshdjjs

Last thing I googled: I was searching for pictures of Ibuki Mioda (love her <3)

Number of followers: rn I got 249, which is a good number in my opinion, but I'm stuck in it for quite a while now 😭😭 wish I had more followers

Song stuck in my head: I got several hdjdh, but one of them is Tomboy by Destiny Rogers (but nightcore bc I only listen to that now)

Sleep: it's the same as always, I go to sleep by around 10pm and wake up at 7am, but I sleep very badly and wake up several times during the night so I'm still tired. Also a few nights ago I just had sleep paralysis for the first time so. That was an experience.

Lucky number: idk about that but I like the number 13! (Bc it's my birthday)

Dream job: HONESTLY IDK, ngl I don't know if I want to thave a job, I hate working bsjsj but dude I wish I could live out of my art! Maybe making commissions or smth, drawing is my passion

Wearing: rn I'm wearing my donut pajama pants, a really old black shirt and my fluffy bear hoodie (it has bear ears on the hood), and honestly that's what I've been wearing lately: anything that's comfortable bc I won't go out anyway

Favourite instrument: I like guitars and bass! But I don't really know much about instruments. I think they're cool but idk how to play them. I had violin classes once but I gave up because I hate learning things through classes

Favorite songs: dude idk!!!!! I change my mind every week or so. I guess I really like mother mother and my chemical romance songs

Aesthetic: I really love alternative aesthetics, like punk, emo and goth, I'd love to look like that irl but all I have are my emo bangs and black nails 😭😭 tho my favorite color is pink and I like lovecore

Favorite author: I've only read one book in the last year or so and I never used to read from an author in particular, so I'm gonna say the last author I had contact with: Kabi Nagata, the author of My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness! It's a good book I recommend it

Favourite animal noise: the howling of wolves!! I howl when I'm excited and it's just sooo fun! I love doing animal noises, like barking and meowing and growling. It's weird but I have fun

Random: I'm trying to find comfort in femininity again. I tend to avoid anything that's feminine bc it will make me look like a girl, but I realize you can be feminine and nonbinary, and nb ppl can look anyway and be valid. So I'm gonna wear crop tops and skirts and earrings and paint my nails bc I like it. At the same time as I don't have to do anything that I don't want to! So I won't shave or wear make up anymore cause that's my decision to make.

I'm rambling too much so I'm gonna stop! I'm not gonna tag anyone bc I have anxiety but anyone feel free to do it and say I've tagged u!!

[sowhatnotcreative]

I know I shouldn't think like this considering my body is not healthy rn and I'm a bit underweight, but got damnit I look sooo good? Absolutely insane? legs, stomach, arms, shoulders, back, breasts, that lil line down the middle of the torso that makes it look like I got abs? Even my hair is WORKING it! Guess it's society that has affected me. Face is constantly stuck in phat sleepy eyebags mode but thats normal am constantly tired.